Y  POLICIES*/ 

IN 


JUNOLELAND 


MY  POLICIES 

IN 

JUNGLELAND 


BY 
FLETCHER  C.  RANSOM 


BARSE  &  HOPKINS 
NEW  YOBK 


Copyright  1910 
By  FLETCHER  C.  RANSOM 


My  Policies 


BUSIEST,  Kravest,  Biggest  Man  on  Earth. 
Red  Blood  of  the  Anglo-Saxon  Race. 
Product  of  Western  Civilization.  The  Mighty 
Hunter.  Slayer  of  Untruth,  Injustice,  Hypoc 
risy  and  Crime.  Human  in  every  Fibre.  Com 
panion  to  his  Fellow  Man.  By  the  Grace  of 
God,  Leader  in  the  World's  Progress. 


488831 


3 


MX  POLICIES 

IN 

JUNCUUND 


HERE  I  am! 
Ladies  and  Gentleman  and  Fellow  Animals — Delighted  to  be  with  you,  in 
front  of  your  smiling  faces.  I  am  no  stranger  to  you.  You  all  know  me,  anyhow, 
those  that  don't  will  before  I  get  through.  I'm  here  for  business.  Came  all  alone 
except  for  two  Trusties.  Two  hundred  and  sixty-three  others  invited  themselves 
but  I  declined  the  invitation.  I  am  never  lonely  with  myself,  am  I  Profess?  Ah, 
I  forgot.  I  take  great  pleasure  in  introducing  Professor  Balboa,  the  world-re 
nowned  scientist,  and  my  son,  the  champion  shot  (snap  shot)  of  the  world, — "Come- 
here"  the  boy  wonder,  Salute  Us 

6 


Secretary  Bird. 

•••  I  have  had  Secretaries  that  I  thought 
were  birds,  and  have  known  secretaries  that 
thought  they  were  birds,  but  this  is  the  first 
time  I  ever  saw  one,  that  was  a  bird.  My 
brain  has  only  one  Lobe. 


8 


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HIEF  Hula  Hula,  I  consider  this  the  treat  of  my  life.     Swallow  the  bait! 

9 


HIEF  Hula  Hula  had  introduced  himself  the  night  before  to  a  very  saucy 
lion  who  had  made  faces  at  him.  I  collected  two  or  three  natives  and  ad 
vanced  to  the  spot  when  suddenly  I  was  challenged — Stopl  I  knew  the  voice.  It 
was  the  voice  of  "Comehere."  Waving  my  hat  and  old  gun  "hot-air,"  I  halted — 
The  signal  worked.  We  were  in  focus — a  bully  plate  might  have  been  wasted. 


10 


11 


THE  Cheetah  is  a  ferocious  animal  but   can   become   domesticated.     As   my 
friend,  Sam  Hanks,  said — "Look  'em  in  the  eye,  Colonel — They'll  ketch  your 
meaning." 


WITH  NATURE 


I   WAS  alone  among  savages.     Animals  were  waiting  to  eat  me  alive,  nature 
everywhere.     But  I  was  happy,  Oh,  so  happy!     It  was  bully  to  see  and  to 
hear  it  at  close  range.     My  own  thoughts  were  not  of  killing. 

12 


King  says — "Teddy  come  on  in — 
•*•         The  water's  fine,  let's  take  a  swim, 
Leave  Balboa  to  guard  your  shirt — 
And  incidentally,  my  skirt. 

The  King  was  leading  by  a  length — 

While  I  was  saving  well  my  strength, 
Half  way  across,  by  easy  stroke — 

I  hear  a  shout  from  the  old  bloke. 
Stop!  Stop!  The  Expedition's  a  success — 

I've  found  a  frog,  cries  the  Profess. 
A  frog  that's  got  one  spot  to  spare, 

No  other  frogs  with  him  compare. 
Come  back  and  look.     So  much  I  learn, 

I'll  write  a  book  when  I  return. 


Was  I  Mad?    How  do  I  look? 


14 


15 


17 


fTlHE  Crocodile  is  a  curious  animal,  especially  the  female.  One  night  after  I 
-*•  had  hit  the  mat,  I  was  suddenly  awakened  by  Gussie,  our  little  pet.  I  put 
out  my  hand  gently  (as  usual)  in  a  playful  way  and  fixed  my  eyes  upon  her. 
This  will  work  with  any  amphibian  or  politician,  and  I  have  used  the  same  with 
marked  success  upon  other  subjects  slightly  addicted  to  water — stock. 

18 


I   WAS  taking  a  brisk  walk  when  I  happened  to  glance  up  and  there  was  a  huge 
Rhino.     I  would  I  might  have  added  him  to  my  trophies.     But  time  was 
pressing.     "Comehere"  was  expecting  me  home — soon! 

19 


MY  WEEK  POLICY 


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SUNDAY 


I  WILL  NOT  RUN 


MUCH  had  I  learned  of  the  terrible  sleeping  fly  but  I  said— "bring  him  on" 
and  he  was  brought.     Whenever  I'm  stung  it  is  because  I  permit  it.     He 
stings  me!    Do  I  sleep?     Bah!     Was  I  ever  put  to  sleep?     Ask  me!     But  the 
fly?     "Comehere,"  work  the  camera  while  the  faithful  prostrate  themselves. 

20 


21 


I  THINK  I  WILL  NOT  RUN 


MY  old  friend  Stork  began  telling  me  what  a  bully  fellow  I  was  and  that  he 
thought  I  was  the  finest  advance  agent  ever  for  him  and  prosperity — no, 
posterity.     I  was  delighted,  but  just  then  I  remembered  why  I  left  home. 

22 


TUESDAY 


I  HAVE  DECIDED  NOT  TO  RUN 


MRS.  FLEA.     Them's  mine — all  mine — my   youngest.     The   rest   wouldn't 
stay  home.     Anyhow,  it's  getting  crowded.    Don't  give  me  any  more  advice, 
Colonel. 

24 


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WEDNESDAY 


WHO  SAYS  I  WILL  RUN 


I  GLANCE  around  to  see  if  all  is  ready.  Where  is  "Comehere"?  Ah,  there  he 
is.  I  pause  an  instant.  Thump!  Thump!  My  heart?  Never!  I  had 
often  wondered  if  my  nerve  would  forsake  me  upon  confronting  the  King  of 
Beasts — the  lion.  Not  mine.  Had  I  not  met  Hogitall,  the  King  of  Trusts?  To 
day  I  have  but  one  fear.  It  is  densely  wooded.  The  light  is  not  fast  and  the  plate 
is  precious.  But — Bully! 

("Comehere,"  you  know  the  ropes;  they  must  come  out.) 

26 


THURSDAY 


NOW  SOMEBODY  ELSE  RUN 


WILL  they  miss  me  or  forget  me? 
Will  they  yell  out,  "What's  the  news?" 
Will  they  photograph  and  follow? 
If  they  don't,  I'll  bust  "Who's  Whos." 

28 


THE  Kudu  is  one  of  the  wildest  of  the 
Antelopes,  but  he  can  be  touched. 
Touching  is  an  art — a  lost  art, — recalling 
a  bitter  interview — at  home. 


29 


FISHDAY 


WHO  SAYS  I  CAN'T  RUN 


THE  King,  who  I  believe  is  a  liar  (as  usual)  had  told  me  that  a  swell  elephant 
puts  symbols  on  his  sides  to  indicate  his  position  in  society.     I  was  watching 
at  a  lime  deposit  for  the  strange  sight,  and  while  I  had  not  initiated  the  King  into 
the  Club,  I  was  preparing  to  do  so,  when — Shades  of  Long!!!!!    Out  came  the 
beast — and  proceeded  to  carry  out  the  King's  tale. 
P.  S.— (Sorry  couldn't  add  King  to  Club.) 

30 


31 


SATURDAY 


DIDN'T  I  RUN  OXCE 


32 


THE  King  says  he  to  me, — says  he— 
You'll  forget  who  you  are,  Teddie — Teddie- 
Just  take  my  job  and  rule, — if  you  wish, 
I'm  off  to  fish,  to  fish, — to  fish. 

So  I  take  the  Chair  of  State  again, 

And  for  a  few  hours  recall  what  I  have  been— 
There's  not  a  Congressman  over  here, 

The  Job  is  a  cinch — Xo  election  is  near- 
It's  great  to  be  on  the  throne  again, 

And  to  rule  in  the  place  of  a  King  of  Men. 

But  Kings  have  their  troubles, 

And  so  have  I— 
Here  comes  the  Professor,  with  blood  in  his  eye— 

"Your  Royal  Highness,"  he  says, — says  he— 
"You'll  grant  me  one  favor, 

I  know  you'll  agree, 
My  own  little  wish  is  a  trifle,  you'll  see. 

Is  there  any  reason  on  earth 
Why  I  can't  have  one  photograph  taken, 

By  your  wonderful  snap  shot  man — "Comehere," 
He's  taken  three  hundred  of  you,  I'll  swear." 

"Shut  up!"  says  I  to  the  fossilized  One, 
"You  are  all  through,  all  through 

Before  you've  begun— 
You  can't  talk  like  that 

To  a  King  on  a  throne- 
Get  out,  Get  out,  and  bug  it  alone." 

33 


34. 


I  swear  it  is  the  same  bully  fun 

To  flourish  the  Big  Stick 
And  see  'em  run. 

I  wonder  if  I  went  back,  WHEW! 
Would  they  stand  for  it  now 

As  they  used  to  do? 
I  guess  it's  better  to  rule  over  here 

Till  the  King  gets  back  and  asks  for  his  chair, 
Then  I'll  climb  right  down  and  go  on  with  the  game, 

I'm  playing  here  now — for  additional  fame, 
Xot  as  a  ruler,  but  just  as  a  man, 

Who  don't  have  to  worry — and  don't  give  a  d — n! 


35 


OLD  Joe, — Uncle  Joe — that's  his  name, 
With  a  hold  like  this,  he  plays  the  game- 
He  takes  them  alive  and  teaches  them  tricks, 

By  handing  out  tariff  with  mixed  politics — 
His  hold  is  a  corker, — I  thought  I  knew  some, 

Till  after  the  famous  election  was  won — 
He's  a  son-of-a — son-of-a — son-of-a — gun — 


rpIGERS  in  Africa! 
1         Ha!  Ha!  Ha! 


37 


OOGIE  a  la  Hula. 
I  have  always  shaken  the  conductor's  hand,  the  engineer's  hand,  any  old 
hand.     I'm  for  the  glad  hand.     It's  my  policy,  my  policy.     So  when  Chief  Hula 
dipped  in  and  tried  the  stew,  I  rolled  up  my  sleeve  and  tried  it  too. 
(P.  S.     The  Queen  waited.) 

38 


I   HAD  gone  to  a  secluded  nook  with  my  trusty  money-getter,  and  had  just  made 
two  fortunes,  when  all  at  once  my  eyes  became  glued  upon  the  most  marvel 
lous,  most  glorious  snake.     It  was  bully  and  in  the  dazzling  sunlight  I  could  but 
think  of  pictures  gone — but  not  forgotten. 


40 


SF    B§ 


4  6/^1OMEHERE,"  what  have  you  been  doing?    Photographing  the  Profes- 
^^  sor?     Cut  it  out.     The  Smithsonian  Institution  will  have  just  one  pic 
ture  of  him  if  he  lasts  the  trip  out  and  that  will  be  in  the  act  of  writing  his  eulogy 
of  me.     Lord  Duneasy,  am  I  the  whole  thing  or  not? 

42 


4*5 


A  MEMBER 
45 


A  SWELL  FRONT 


Hippo  is  a  dangerous  Cuss  to  meet  when  he's  excited.     I  captured  this 
one  all  alone.     The  picture's  copyrighted. 

46 


47 


T  HAD  taken  Chief  Hula  Hula  to  a  bank  to  try  my  speech  that  was  to  be 
A  delivered  to  the  various  Universities.  He  said  it  was  the  strongest  he  had 
ever  taken  or  stood  for  and  that  Indian  Hemp  was  mild  dope. 


48 


50 


I   WAS  sitting  alone  by  the  sad,  sad  sea, 
Thinking  of  home,  of  Bill  and  Me— 
And  the  Grand  Old — part — part — party, 

When  a  little  bird  came  chirping  along — 
"Te  Wit,  Te  Wit,  Te  Wee- 
Wake  up,  Siree,  Siree,  Siree,— 
Bill's  buried  your  policy,  I  see. 

51 


WITH  a  face  like  this 
And  a  merry  smile, 
A  politician  I  would  be, 
I'd  get  the  votes 
And  count  the  coin 
Alone  down  by  the  sea. 


I  WAS  very  much  delighted  to  receive  a  hint  from  the  King  to  attend  the  Ele 
phant  Show  and,  thrusting  additional  honors  upon  me,  he  commanded  me  to 
escort  his  daughter  who  had  just  returned  from  a  finishing  school.  I  could  not 
help  thinking,  as  we  marched  proudly  past  the  King's  Guard,  an  estimable  lot  of 
young  men  (who,  by  the  way,  seemed  jealous  of  me)  what  a  sensation  she  would 
cause  at  Newport. 

She  was  a  decided  brunette  and  plump,  with  full  lips  and  retrousse  nose.  As 
we  passed  the  King's  box,  he  smiled,  having  dined  very  well,  which  made  him  in 
rare  humor.  It  was  bully! 

52 


53 


I  HAVE  made  men  sheriffs,  marshal! s  and  postmasters  for  their  ability  to  take 
things  bare-handed,  and  it  was  up  to  me  to  make  good.  The  Oogie,  one  of 
the  speediest  animals  known,  was  the  victim  I  wished  to  throttle.  I  came  upon 
him  in  the  Jungle.  Cornered,  there  he  was.  All  was  excitement.  The  tension 
was  awful.  I  heard  cries  of  horror  from  the  natives  as  I  prepared  to  pounce 
upon  him.  In  a  moment  it  was  over.  I  fell  exhausted.  The  Oogie  had  lost. 

54 


MY  Noble  Braves — Representatives  of  a  glorious  Country, — I  am  honored  by 
this  spontaneous  outpouring  of  these  Massive  Masses  to  listen  to  the  greatest 
tribute  ever  paid  to  that  greatest  of  all  institutions — the  home.  The  Sanctity  of 
the  Home !  How  close  to  your  hearts  it  is.  Your  very  presence  before  me  is  evi 
dence.  Here's  to  one  King,  One  Jungle,  one  Wife,  one  Home.  (Thunderous 
Applause. 

56 


57 


T  TANDS  up!    No  money  changes  pockets  here.     These  heads  belong  to  me — 


me — d0  ye  hear?     I  get  a  certificate  with  every  one. 

58 


GOOD  bye  to  dear  old  Africa, 
Which  has  furnished  me  so  much  fun- 
Good  luck  still  to  the  lucky  beasts 
Who  have  escaped  my  gun. 

And  now  for  the  quiet  life, 
I'm  off  for  Home  Sweet  Home, — 
He  rides  just  as  easy  as  ever, 
If  you  only  know  how  'tis  done. 


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